Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Are wives only used for sex?

Question:

Dear scholars, As-salamu `alaykum. "Only two things are obligatory upon the woman; keeping herself ready and prepared [sexually] for her husband and staying in his house" (Commentary on the Forty Hadith of an-Nawawi by Jamaal al Din Zarabozo, p. 18). My question is, does she have to be ready at any cost? Does she have any excuse and if so what are the excuses? What’s obligatory on us from their side? Jazakum Allah khayran.

Answer:

Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear sister in Islam, we would like to thank you for the great confidence you place in us, and we implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His sake. May Allah reward you abundantly for your interest in knowing the teachings of your religion, Islam.
Islam cares for establishing a loving relation between a man and his wife. It calls upon both parties to have mutual love, respect, and care. This applies to all aspects of their life: social, intellectual, intimate, and so on.

Moreover, Islam pays great attention to the intimate aspect of the husband-wife relationship. Sexual fulfillment can never be detached or separated from an attitude of mutual respect, love, and emotional attachment.

In his response to your question, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, states:

To look at husband-wife relations in this way is at best crude and unfair, if not totally incorrect. According to the Qur’an, the purpose of marriage is to attain sukun (tranquility and peace; see for instance verses 30:21; 7:189), which can never be achieved through impulsive sexual fulfillment unless it is accompanied by mutual love, affection, caring, and sharing, which are all part and parcel of a fulfilling and productive marriage relationship. Islam, as we know it holistically from the sources, is a balanced way of looking at things. Sexual fulfillment can never be detached or separated from an attitude of mutual respect, love, and emotional attachment, otherwise it can hardly be distinguished from the behavior of brutes. Mind you, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) warned couples against hopping into beds like birds without proper foreplay and preparation, which includes showing affection and tender care.
 
Now coming to mutual obligations of spouses, it is lucidly and beautifully expressed in the following verses: (And cohabit with them on terms of utmost decency and fairness) (An-Nisa’ 4: 19); (And they (women) have rights similar to those of men in fairness) (Al-Baqarah 2: 228). In light of these, it is only reasonable to assume that a husband must set an example of fairness and compassion in dealing with his wife. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was especially known for his compassionate treatment of his family. He was extremely caring and gentle with them; he enjoyed their company, and he said that it was one of the best things that he cherished in this world. He also told the faithful that the best thing for a believer to reckon in this world was the companionship of a righteous wife. In keeping with the spirit of such teachings, it is wrong for anyone to reduce woman to the position of an object for sexual gratifications.
 
In Islam, man and woman in general, as well as husband and wife in particular, are equal partners; just as a husband has needs to which a wife is expected to be responsive, a wife also has needs to which a husband should be responsive. To be successful, marriage must be based on mutual reciprocity and consensual relationship. We know that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was in the habit of drinking from the same cup with his wife, thus placing his lips in the same spot where she placed hers. He would take a bite of food and then she would take another bite. It is this Prophetic attitude of mutual respect, affection, and companionship that should serve as a role model for all the married couples in Islam. If, on the other hand, we were to approach marriage purely in literalistic, legal terms, detached as it is from the holistic perspective of Islamic ethics and morality, we end up pitting husband and wife against one another; this will ultimately end up creating discord and disharmony rather than harmony and love which, according to the Qur’an, is the spirit and soul pervading a healthy marriage relationship.
 

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Is emotional abuse allowed in Islam?

Question:

Dear scholars, As-Salamu `alaykum. Physical abuse in a relationship is widely known and condemned, but what about emotional abuse? I think it's equally damaging and even more hurting, yet we don't really talk much about it. How exactly do you define emotional abuse and what does Islam say about it? Jazakum Allah khayran.

Answer:

Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear sister, we would like to thank you for your interesting question which reflects your concern to know the true teachings of Islam. May Allah reward you abundantly for this and render our work purely for His sake!In Islam, the marriage of a man and a woman is not just a financial and physical arrangement of living together but a sacred contract, a gift of Allah, to lead a happy, enjoyable life and continue the lineage. The main goal of marriage in Islam is the realization of tranquility and compassion between the spouses. The relationship between the spouses should be based on tranquility, love and mercy. These three summarize the ideals of Islamic marriage. It is the duty of the husband and wife to see that they are a source of comfort and tranquility for each other. While the meaning of physical abuse is rather obvious, the meaning of emotional abuse might not be, and the abuse itself may be more insidious. Emotional abuse includes name calling, belittling, using threat of divorce as a weapon to manipulate the other, threatening with a real weapon (even with no intention to use it). There may be other elements such as not allowing the wife to visit or contact family or friends. Even frequent teasing, though it starts in fun, may become a type of abuse if it takes the form of sarcasm or demeaning remarks.It is common for some people when they are angry to call others names or belittle them. If one gets angry quickly and easily with one's spouse, it could lead to emotional abuse. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) advised us to control our anger, not to call each other names, not to use vulgar language, and not to point a weapon at another person. This advice was general for all, but it should be taken even more seriously within a marriage. These general guidelines are established by the Qur'an in the following verses: "O ye who believe! Let not a folk deride a folk who may be better than they (are), nor let women (deride) women who may be better than they are; neither defame one another, nor insult one another by nicknames. Bad is the name of lewdness after faith. And whoso turneth not in repentance, such are evil doers. O ye who believe! Shun much suspicion; for lo! some suspicion is a crime. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you love to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Ye abhor that (so abhor the other)! And keep your duty (to Allah). Lo! Allah is Relenting, Merciful." (Al-Hujurat: 11-12)Moreover, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “It is not lawful for a Muslim to scare his fellow Muslim.” (Reported by Ahmad & Abu Dawud)Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet also said: “None of you should point his weapon at his brother, as Satan may provoke him (to hurt his brother) and as a result, he would fall into a pit of Fire.” (Reported by al-Bukhari) In another version: “He who (even) points at his brother with a piece of iron is cursed by the angels until he puts it down, even if the other was his blood brother.” (Reported by Muslim)Answering the question in point, the prominent Muslim Scholar and Da`iyah, Zienab Mostafa, states:"Emotional abuse truly damages and hurts as much as physical abuse does. In Islam, there is a special consideration of the relationship between the spouses. Allah says, "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (Ar-Rum 21)It is shown that the basis of the relationship between husband and wife is affection and mercy. In many Hadiths the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) mentioned that if a husband looks at his wife with kindness and mercy, Allah Almighty looks at them with His mercy, and if they shake hands all their sins vanish. So, we have to study very well how the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) dealt with his wives. In fact, he was very merciful, kind, and loveable, bearing in mind that there were some problems that they faced in their marital life but they dealt with these problems with extreme wisdom and kindness. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) never abused his wives either physically or emotionally. Therefore, neither of the spouses is allowed to abuse the other emotionally. This is prohibited in Islam. If either does so, Almighty Allah will hold him or her accountable for that, and they should repent to Allah for this. It is clear now that the best guide to us to live a very successful martial life is to follow the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him)."

http://www.onislam.net/english/ask-the-scholar/family/marital-relationships/169118.html

Should a husband seek his wife's permission before travelling?

Question:

As-Salamu `Alaykum. I would like to know whether it is necessary to get the permission of one's wife to work abroad for one year or more. I'm working abroad, and I have signed a two-year contract. I have heard that a husband needs his wife's approval to stay away more than four months. Is that right?

Answer:

Wa`alaykum As-Salaamu Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

First of all, it is to be stressed that the relations between the spouses should be based on tranquility, love and mercy. Allah says, "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (Al-Rum 30:21)

The husband and wife should care for each other. Their relationship should be based on mutual understanding, respect, and they should have mercy and kindness for each other.

In his response to the question, Dr. Marawan Shahin, Professor of Hadith and its Sciences, Faculty of Usul Ad-Din, Al-Azhar University, states the following:

First of all, a husband should let his wife accompany him as long as this is not impossible or extremely difficult. `A'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) reported: "Whenever Allah's Messenger wanted to go on a journey, he would draw lots as to which of his wives would accompany him. He would take her whose name came out."
 
The general rule is that a husband should let his wife to accompany him on his journey regardless of the costs, and whether or not it will decrease his savings.
 
This is because by being together, the spouses will be in an atmosphere that will enable them to preserve their chastity and be away from haram.
 
However, if there is a necessity that renders it extremely difficult for the wife to accompany her husband, then he should seek her permission before traveling alone. If she willingly agrees, then he is still required not to be away from her for more than four months and to try his best to lessen this period as much as he can.
 
One night Caliph `Umar Ibn Al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) was making his rounds of Madinah when he heard a woman singing and complaining of being alone, deprived of her husband. Upon investigation, `Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) found that the woman's husband had been on a military expedition for a long time. He then asked his daughter, Hafsah, a widow of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), "How long can a woman endure separation from her husband?" She replied, "Four months." As a consequence, he decided that he would not send a married man away from his wife for a period exceeding four months.
 
In short, the husband should first let his wife accompany him; if this is not possible, he should seek her permission and not be away from her for more than four months, while doing his utmost to decrease the period of four months as well.
 
Allah Almighty knows best.

http://www.onislam.net/english/ask-the-scholar/family/marital-relationships/169132-seeking-the-wifes-permission-before-traveling.html

What is the Islamic ruling on shaving beards?

Question:

As-salamu `alaykum. Sheikh, is growing one’s beard a sign of piety? A sheikh in my community mentioned that shaving of the beard is forbidden by Prophet’s words. I see that beard is a sign of identity for Muslim males. Is that right way to look at it. I am aware that inward iman (faith) and taqwa (piety) are more important and this is about the outward appearance as per Islam. Please clarify.

Answer:

Wa `alaykum as-salamu wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Brother, thank you for your good question and apparent interest to know more about Islam and its teachings.

Growing beard is a great Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). However, Muslims differed regarding its ruling: some of them state that it is mandatory and shaving it is forbidden while others view that it is an optional Sunnah and hence there is no harm in shaving it. What to be stressed here is that beard in Islam does not have the same religious significance as that of the other prescribed rituals. Thus it is important for us to recognize that we are not allowed to ostracize men who do not have beards nor are we to question their basic faith

Responding to your question, Dr. Wael Shihab, PhD in Islamic Studies, Al-Azhar University, and the Head of the Shari`ah Dept. of Onislam.net website, stated,

Thank you for your question.
 
Islam calls upon Muslims to be handsome and beautiful. A Muslim should always be pure in clothes and body. This purity and cleanliness extends to one’s morals and manners. In their words and deeds, Muslims are to be pure and clean avoiding any form of vulgarity or foul speech. Commanding the purity and the cleanliness of the appearance, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), says: “Verily, Allah is Beautiful and loves beauty.” (Muslim, Sahih, hadith No. 91)
 
Growing men’s beards is a significant Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). A man who lets his beard grow, should keep it clean and neat to maintain the beauty of his over-all appearance.
 
As for the issue of shaving one’s beard, there are three scholarly views on this: First, shaving beard is prohibited. Second: it is makruh (reprehensible). The Third view is that there is no problem in shaving the beard.
 
I myself incline to the view which says that is generally disliked for a Muslim man to shave his beard without a justification. The fatwa, therefore, may differ from one case to another depending on surrounding circumstances and conditions.
 
In all cases, a Muslim should abide by Islam’s values and morals in all his or her dealings and practices.
 
May Allah accept your and our good deeds.